I used to love shopping for clothes
How my body dysmorphia and unreal sizes in Argentina made me hate shopping.
I never thought that I had an issue, at least not consciously. I thought that I looked ok. I looked in the mirror and saw nothing wrong. However, each time I went shopping I felt defeated, nothing fit me. I ALWAYS asked for the biggest size - actually, I asked which size was the biggest one and then asked for it. I feel like at some point I got some sort of PTSD, as shopping felt like torture to me.
Me and my dad back when I was a teenager
I was starting to gain weight already.
To give you some context, I used to love shopping. My childhood weekends were, amongst playing in parks and with friends, almost entirely spent on at shopping malls. My mom loved it, she loved walking through the stores, looking at clothes, buying them, and I always got something too. I was more into books, to be honest, but I still liked getting new clothes every now and then. It was like going to church for us, Sundays were destined to shopping. Then, when I started getting older and I started to not fit in clothes. I was bigger than the average kid, I just grew up faster, and this was around pre-puberty. I was 11 and I had to buy clothes at women’s stores, because the famous “47th Street” store (famous in Argentina, it was like the coolest store ever when I was a teenager) had sizes too small for me. I became a teenager, and started only wearing black, even in summer with 100 degrees, I just used black and sometimes I even wore long sleeve sweaters. I started to feel ashamed of my body. I started to try and cover it up. I was 13 years old and I already hated the way I looked.
“I feel like at some point I got some sort of PTSD, as shopping felt like torture to me.”
2011 in my first ever design conference.
I was so happy here :)
Naturally, I kept growing up and clothes had to be renewed. But each time I went shopping, I got frustrated, and sad. And then, I just stopped doing it, and if I did, I only went to stores that had all sizes available in the racks, so I didn’t have to interact with the selling ladies, and hear once again “so, how does it fit? do you like it?”. I know it’s their job, it just made me feel awful. They knew it wouldn’t fit, they saw what I didn’t see. I was too big for their clothes.
I knew something was off, don’t get me wrong, but I was convinced it was just a matter of sizes, not my size. Remember I live in Argentina. In our country it’s hard to find any size that it’s higher than an 8, or lower than a 2. We don’t have plus size, we don’t have petite - basically, we’re screwed. If you want to dress nicely, you won’t be able to. I love fashion, and that’s something that slowly started to take my confidence away. I tried purchasing clothes on Wish, which actually made me feel worse because a 5XL it’s like an XL in Argentina.
I found this one store in Buenos Aires - Normandie - that had sizes that fitted me, and I felt joy again! They use not-so-good fabrics, but they fitted me, so who cared? I ended up choosing things because they would fit, and not because I liked them. I stopped wearing jeans when I was 17, I used mostly leggings. I bought cheap things, because I thought I deserved cheap things.
I started travelling in 2013, and I found bigger sizes in the US and in Europe, but it was only until 2016 that I realized in the US there’s a whole section for bigger sizes! I had no idea plus size existed. I felt like I found the Holly Grail of clothes. I started looking better, feeling better, I kept trying to buy clothes back home, but it was always the same frustration.
My first All Firm Meeting
I looked amazing in the white dress, didn’t I?
Shoutout to Ana, Sofi and Fla for letting me include them :)
The huge problem was I didn’t see the size I was getting to. Sizes are different abroad so I lost track of how big I was, I got to buy a size-20 jean (and don’t get me wrong, I’m not against at all on plus size clothing!) which until now I don’t know exactly which size is in Argentina.
I will cover Megarexia in another post, but I really didn’t see it. I looked in the mirror and didn’t see it.
4 years have gone by since that first approach to Forever 21 Plus Size, and to this day I suffer from body dysmorphia, but in the opposite direction. I’m so used to not fitting in any piece of clothing that I dread shopping. I don’t know my size, size are a huge lie here too, so I still feel frustrated after a 114.64lbs loss.
I look forward to the days that this stops. I want to enjoy shopping again, and in the meantime, I will fight for our right to dress the way we want, we have bodies too and we deserve to look however the hell we want to.
Love,
Sol